“An Evening with Sidney Sheldon”

 by John Gotheborg 

I had a fascinating conversation last night with my good friend Sidney Sheldon, author of such famous novels as Rage of Angels and The Sky is Falling, whose work has been systematically plagiarized by that Jew hack who reaps constant rewards from his ill-gotten manuscripts, by way of microwave brain scans performed by the NWO. The worst is, Sidney Sheldon's true genius may never be recognized because they stole his worst books! He's a fascinating man, who has written extensively on the International Jewish Conspiracy. We talked into the wee hours of morning.

Well, it was when we began discussing the vast gay conspiracy that I got all worked up, really hot and bothered. I'd only had two glasses of wine, but mind you they were 32 ounce glasses. I stood up and informed Sidney, "I'm just going to go slip into something more comfortable."

When I returned several minutes later in a kimono, Sidney became very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, and looked at me with a queer expression. I shouted at him, "What in the hell is the matter with you? Can't a man wear a kimono???"

Now, I realize that was a poor choice of words on my part, but it was all just a simple misunderstanding. I had no idea how ignorant my friend was of both the Korean culture and scripture, but I'll get to that in a minute.

He said, "I never, never, thought you could be one of them!"

"What are you trying to insinuate?? I've got nothing to do with those people!" I shouted. Sidney is a sharp man with handsome features, not the kind of man you would expect to make such idiotic and clearly irrational statements. "Why would I be stealing your manuscripts??? I'm a writer with a personal telegraph cable to the Lord!"

"That's not them I mean at all," he shouted back.

“Well now you’re just confusing yourself, you damn fool!”

Then he quoted scripture at me, a Youth Minister! You don't recite actuary tables to your accountant, do you??? My personal faith beliefs are my business. Sidney rattled off a quote I know more intimately than you poor fools could imagine. He said, "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are an abomination unto the Lord thy God!"

"Deuteronomy 22:5!" I spit back at him angrily. "Don't condescend to tell me the words of the Lord! I know them better than anyone!"

Well, I leapt from my chair with such fury that the kimono accidentally came undone and I had to fumble with it like a damn fool to cover my exposed privates, cursing to myself all the while.

Sidney spit out his wine and I became angrier still. I was so upset, really flustered.

That wine would have ruined the chaise lounge if not for the various cleaning products I keep stocked below my kitchen sink and Suu Ni's skill at using them. God how I love that woman. I shouted for her to get out of bed and come downstairs immediately in Korean. Well, that just confused my poor friend even more. He must have thought I was speaking in tongues, as I am often known to do when I feel the wrath of God boil up inside me.

Sidney shrank back in the lovely white cushions of the chaise lounge, quivered with fear mind you, as I plopped back down in my chair and poured another glass of wine. I sat there fuming long after Suu Ni arrived, berating me in such a frenzy that I could barely understand her feisty Korean tongue. She calmed slightly as I apologized for waking her in Korean, careful not to let on to Sidney, and she then exited briefly to obtain the cleaning products.

Sidney motioned to stand, wisely reconsidering as I grabbed for the wine bottle and growled at him. Then Suu Ni returned with the cleaning products and got down on all fours in front of the chaise lounge. She looks today every bit like that beautiful 14-year old girl I'd met in the rice paddies outside Seoul. How she soothes me. I clutched the pillow in my lap as she lathered the rag with white fluid. It was only after several minutes of silence had passed, the entirety of which I spent observing my lovely Suu Ni as she crouched on the floor with her behind in the air and scrubbed the chaise lounge in smooth concentric circles. Suu Ni lovingly and dutifully, as every woman should, kissed me softly on the cheek and patted my head as she exited.

Every great man has a woman behind me, and I am no different from those great men of the past. Sure, I have my moments, but it is a rare man who does not treasure the greatest gift ever given him: spiritual provenance.

The mood had calmed considerably by the time Sidney ventured to bring up that infuriating topic again. "You understand, the Lord just told me to speak my mind. He said, men shall not put on a woman's garment, and the kimono is a woman's garment...I, I apologize if you misunderstood. I didn't mean, uh, I mean, to insinuate anything."

"Look, Sidney," I said, adjusting the pillow and leaning forward, "You're very knowledgeable in the areas of gay conspiracy theory and microwave surveillance, but you are sitting here face-to-face with an expert on scripture, second only perhaps to Mel Gibson, although I must admit The Passion doesn’t hold up under the seventh viewing. First of all, you need to understand that in ancient times, particularly in the desert, both women and men wore long, flowing robes, the only substantive difference being that woman were prettier than men. Let me explain this to you as clearly and concisely as I can..."

I then proceeded to explain the historical and cultural context of Deuteronomy, digressing for about twenty minutes to explain why it is so important to understand the symbolic meaning of the Harlem Globetrotter's mockery of the Washington Generals and how that relates to Adolf Hitler.

"Woah. That is a mind-blowing," he said. "You mean the Washington Generals weren't a real team???"

"Of course they weren't real!! It was all an illusion, masterminded by those masters of trickery the Illuminati! It's so clear even an idiot could see it. What rational white man could be so foolish as to think a bowl of spaghetti is really a basketball!?? Anyway, where was I?"

The point here is very simple, but sometimes even fellow Christians can't comprehend it, so it is vital that you speak very slowly and repeat yourself several times. It took approximately [INSERT MORE HERE]

"Well," Sidney said, scratching his head. "This may be over my head, but I, I think I can see

Sidney turned at the door and asked, "Oh, what did you think of my latest manuscript?"

"Genius. Pure genius. A real page-turner," I said.

"Do you think your publisher will accept it?"

"Of course they will! Jesus Loves Books is as independent publisher. They don't kowtow to the gays and the Jews."

"I sure hope not..."

"Now you're just being paranoid. The Gays Killed Christ will be published, I'm sure of it. But it'll be a tough row to hoe. As you well know, there is a near-total media blackout on my novel, and it's not even controversial!"

"Well," Sidney said with a sigh that betrayed his truly troubled feelings, "I'm come to accept that we live in a sick society. The end times are coming soon, I'm telling ya."

And with that, my friend left. Thank God I had the foresight to place that pillow on my lip, because it sure would have been embarrassing if Sidney had seen my massive erection. To be honest, I could have stood and walked him to the door, but in my nervousness over the situation I mistook the Bible pressed against my thigh for the erection, which had probably subsided within ten minutes of Suu Ni's exit.