“Well I'll be Jim Dandy”
by John Gotheborg
To: alt.conspiracy,
sci.skeptic, alt.fan.art-bell
What happened last
night was terribly ominous and deeply disturbing. It was a real kick in the
head, and believe me I've had several. In other words, it beggars belief. We'll
get to that later, though; right now the important thing is for you damn skeptics
to understand that I AM NOT A RACIST. That incident, which led to my arrest and
confinement in that torture chamber...Gitmo? No, worse. Bellevue! AGAINST MY
WILL, and there is a big difference, mind you, as I know from seven years of
marriage to the Lesbian She-Devil of San Francisco....Where was I? Oh yes. You
ask me, I'd sooner walk back into that torture chamber of a marriage than EVER
return to Bellevue.
I was speaking to a
crowd of young people in the park, having plied them with cigarettes in
exchange for their ears. I was just about to give them God's healing word, when
one of the girls lashed, or should I say, spat at me, "You're staring at
my tits!"
"I will not
stare at your breasts, you harlot! Your tricks won't fool me!" She had
worn a T-shirt with indecent words printed on it, you see, and so I, being a
near-sighted and inquisitive old man, had leaned forward to read the offensive
letters. The girl was young all right, and ripe, not two years older than my
lovely daughter Cecilia. Young girls are heavenly creatures--and I mean that
literally--but many are the angels who belie a wicked temptress. Did I mention
the SHE-DEVIL OF SAN FRANCISCO?
That foul harpy
stalked me through A GRAMMAR SCHOOL (I was a freshman college student tutoring
part-time at the local junior high) only to LURE ME FROM MY HOME. TRAPPED IN
THE LAND OF THE DEAD. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Young girls. Young girls are
beautiful and innocent, but this "young girl" before me now was a
banshee. She smacked me in the face and I grabbed at her arms. Then one of the
boys blindsided me with a skateboard. I fell to the ground and covered my head.
Thank God I have the
personal mandate of Jesus Christ.
The Devils spared me
after taking my wallet and I wandered the park in a black-and-blue haze for
several hours before finally I found a policeman. Now, this is where I
(supposedly) did something very racist, very racist, I know it may sound, but
believe me that this was an honest misunderstanding. You see, it is VERY COLD
in New York in Winter. I hadn't dressed for a night outdoors and so had dug
through some garbage cans as I wandered the park. It was pure coincidence that
I found the top hat, coat tails, and white gloves. The battering of my face,
swelling and reddening of my lips, blacking of my eyes, and the shoe polish
brown of my face after those foul miscreants had rubbed it into the dirt, well
it came together to render me the quintessential Jim Dandy.
Of course, there are
no mirrors in Central Park, mind you. I had NO WAY OF KNOWING.
Imagine my dismay as
I explained to the officer what had happened and that NO ONE BELIEVED ME.
"This park is full of Satanists," I shouted. "The worst
kind--they have NO VALUES. At least the Satanists in Congress and San Francisco
BELIEVE IN SOMETHING!"
Then I demanded,
"Hey listen to me. I'M ONE OF YOU PEOPLE!" The officer,
unfortunately, was a negro. Oh dangit all to Hell. That came out all wrong.
I believe the
officer was quite fortunate, very fortunate indeed, to have been born black and
beautiful. I love people of ALL COLORS. It is only those with BLACK HEARTS whom
I despise. Like the Jews, for example. Anyway, you can understand how it was an
unfortunate SITUATION for this man to see me there, given the way I was
(UNINTENTIONALLY) dressed. How was he to know I had MEANT that I am a former
officer of the Military Police? I am a decorated veteran of the United States
Marine Corp!
"You've got to
help me find some kids," I shouted, louder this time, because apparently
the poor man couldn't hear me; he just stared at it me with his eyes bugged
wide and jaw dropped. "I have to take my pills every three hours and I
can't get them down! I gave them cigarettes, but they TOOK MY HOLY WATER. I
ONLY WANTED THEIR EARS! Can you hear me???"
I cupped my hands
and shouted in the officer's ears. How was I supposed TO KNOW he could HEAR? I
thought the poor man was deaf, but try telling that to the New York Police
Department! That police report was highly inaccurate and FULL OF LIES, I might
add. Can you believe the officer wrote that I had...well I'll just quote from
the gawldang police report:
Subject
approached the arresting officer after nightfall, UNDER COVER OF DARKNESS,
ranting and raving about TAKING EARS. He was intoxicated and dressed in an
offensive minstrel show costume, i.e. blackface. His face was beaten, probably
due to grabbing at people's EARS and attempting to bite them off. I barely got
my nightstick out in time, and believe me when I tell you that I feared for my
life as I attempted to subdue him, but the perpetrator would just not stay
down. Upon bringing the assailant in for administrative detention it was
determined that he must be sent to Bellevue for psychiatric review.
And there I found
myself, once again under "psychiatric review," i.e. euphemism for
legalized torture. If you ask me, that police officer is mentally ill. That
police report was incoherent and exaggerated!
Anyway, to make a
long story short, the good psychiatric professionals, trained no doubt by Nazi
war criminals, once again put God's True Patriot through a battery of torture
devices and brain control machines. They even tried to poison me with pills--which
they claimed were my prescription medication--but I outsmarted them and hid the
pills in a rusted radiator pipe.
It was three days
into my incarceration that I began to receive messages from my alien passenger
Elvis "Presley" Dweebo, a Gray-Human hybrid from the Planet Zardoz.
We spoke for hours about philosophy, popular television, and literature. Mr. Dweebo
was an educated man, although he admitted to having not yet read the work of
either myself or my good friend Sidney Sheldon. "It's the Illuminati to
blame," he said. "Your books should be on every store shelf and your
good friend Sidney Sheldon deserves his rightful place in history! That NWO
impostor has been stealing his books for TOO LONG. FAR TOO LONG!"
FAR TOO LONG:
I CHANTED with him,
"FAR TOO LONG!" It was then that I was placed in the five-point
restraints and sedated. What happened next, I cannot recall.
I know only that I
found myself once again at home in the arms of my lovely Suu-Ni. She stroked my
forehead with a wet washcloth and cooed kind Korean words.
"I was
right," I whispered weakly. "They did take the Fonz to Orc. It wasn't
a dream....Henry Winkler is an impostor."
Suu-Ni didn't
understand. I don't mean she speaks no English, you damn fool! In fact, I
should mention that I spoke those words to her IN KOREAN. I mean that she
didn't understand what I was REALLY TRYING TO SAY. She just nodded her head and
smiled. How is it that I speak fluent Korean and yet find it so hard to express
myself when speaking to that woman?
But I love her and
I'm glad to be home.
If only....If only I
hadn't witnessed that ominous and truly DISTURBING thing not 24 hours ago, not
two days after my release from the torture chamber.
I was just sitting
down to log my new evidence of the ZOG-NWO Conspiracy, most of which was culled
from Playboy Magazine (ISM Virii, aka Speed-of-Reading Wavelength Transmission
Patterns: SORWTP), and when I wiped my keyboard with holy water, you'll never
believe what appeared, ominously, disturbingly, one-cursor-length at a time...
":POI4567890-[P=\][=POIUYTREWQ azXCNM
":TR
\][9876543 qrtyfrdYTR
IS THIS CODE FOR THE
MOTHER COMPUTERS BELOW THE PENTAGON???
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